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Aug. 28th, 2009

Bio

Age: 20
Birthday: June
Relationship status: Taken
Eye colour: Blue 
Natural hair colour: Blonde
Current hair colour: Blonde
Height: 5'4
RANDOM:
Goals for the year: Finish Degree with decent marks, maintain a healthy weight, get a job.
Short term: Shed a couple pounds, keep up with school
Long Term: SUCCESS, recovery, independence, confidence
Dream occupation: Professional waterskiier, an owner of a camp
Best physical feature: Smile
Worst physical feature: Legs
Fears: Being all alone, being really large
Would you ever get married: Hopfully
How many children do you want: 2 or 3 or 4
How many piercings do you have: Ears, belly
How many tattoos do you have: 0
FAVORITES:
Food: Banana
Non alcoholic beverage: Diet grapefruit <3
Alcoholic beverage: Vodka
Website: Facebook
Music: All different kinds
Person: They know who they are
Animal: Monkey, Dogs, Horses, ALL ANIMALS!<3
Book: Bible
Tv show: Dont watch much TV, it is triggering
Movie: Comedy, Romance
I THINK THAT I...
[] Am Pretty.
[] Am Smart.
[x] Am Nice.
[x] Am a Bad Influence.
[x] Am a Good Influence.
[] Am Popular.
[] Am Spoiled.
[] Have a Good Fashion Sense.
[x] Am Not Good Enough.
[] Have Better Things to do Than This Quiz.
[x] Am Considered ‘Good looking’ by the Opposite Sex.
[] Curse too much
[] Have too Much Time on my Hands.
[x] Am Overweight.
[] Am too skinny.
[] Can do anything I want to do

1. Do you parents know about your ED?
Yes. My mom is my greatest support and I am SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED to have her as a mother.
2. How about your friends?
Just a couple, but I don't go into detail with them do to fear.
3. Ever been to recovery?
Not really, I have been to a couple therapy sessions which helped and a group session which I also liked and will continue to go to.
4. How much weight do you want to lose?
15 pounds
5. What do you think started your ED?
Being around skinny, beautiful dancers, and wanting to fit right in with them.
6. What other illnesses besides an ED do you have?
Bulimia and depression
7. Do any of your friends have an ED?
Yes.
8. Does anyone in your family have an ED?
Not that I know of, however I suspect my Aunt did/does. She has suffered from major depressive disorder.
9. How often do you weigh yourself?
Every other day, trying to cut back.
Put an "x" in the boxes that apply to you
[] I drink [every other day when fasting]
[x] I purge
[x] I hide/throw away food
[x] I hardly have any friends because of my ED
[x] never go out anymore(rarely)
[] I exercise excessively (2+ hours at a time)

Jun. 10th, 2009

Officially DUNZOOOO

My sister thinks Im descusting. It was her birthday yesterday and she said as a birthday present I just dont want you to purge. So I didnt.
The fast is done with, I cant handle it. Im not a failure I am just REALLY struggling. Man, I want it to end. I have therapy session on June 23 so that will be a start. These things take time though. Im so lost and so confused.....
God....please.....why......I dont get it. Give me some strength to fight this battle.....so take control of my life. To start of the next day in your presence and ready to change. Help me make plans and guide my way forever God. I dont feel or hear you but I know your there.

Jun. 7th, 2009

omgosh

 I cant stand living at home! My parents are CONTANTLY telling me to do something. They see me lying in my bed on the computer and will say "aren’t you going to do something with your life" or " i don’t see progression you" or "What are your plans for the day" like holly let me freaking BREATHE AND LIVE MY OWN LIFE! My mom needs to understand I am not living life for her or to PLEASE her. If she thinks I’m worth nothing then whatever I don’t care!!  

(no subject)

 Fourth day here. Ate a little more than I expected..and am not losing anything. But its fairly early in the day so water/coffe/tea is all for the rest of the day:)

Jun. 6th, 2009

Yaa ya yaaaa

 So ugh ya day 3 here fasting. When I saw fasting that includes one meal. I wont stop until at least 128 pounds. Ideally I would like 120 but thats very expectations. Im 148 right now. 20 pounds ! woo! I hate being fat and going out in public tho....Im just thinking of the party Im going to be going to today. I just wish I could hide until I reach my goal weight....but hiding is not good either. Im just screwed! Ill just have to "use what I got: and try and have the best fun I can. I already ate my one meal today but Ill be drinking alcohol tonight as well. eeee!! Hope it doesnt cause too much weight gain. 

Jun. 3rd, 2009

Tomorrow Hope

Today will not rob my happiness for tomorrow. I will NOT b/p tomorrow. WILL NOT. In fact I want to fast for 5 days. People on youtube did it, and I want to do it to. Repressed feelings come out when you fast, and its good for cleansing. I know a person who has bulimia its not good to fast...but I want to do it anyway. Hopfully I can last longer than 5 days. Ideally untill the 25th. Now that is pushing it, but that would be awesome. I just need to find some ways to help keep my mind off food. 

Hide me

 Things have been rough since I last posted. Every day I've been binge and purging....and I've gained quite a bit of weight. I have no motivation...no insentive to live...ever felt that way? I went to the doctor today, shes putting me back on prozac, which helped me before but I came off of them because I wanted to do it on my own. Clearly I cant do that. I'd rather be a "fake happy" on prozac than what Im feeling now. I was looking at September options today with my Dad. We discussed 3 main points:
1) Health issue
2) School
3) Career
We decided my health needs to be taken care of first. So in that case, this September I will live at home while going to University and getting the treatment I need. By that I mean therapy. I lived on campus first year and it was fun but also messy b/c on campus I would b/p and thats not good. Untill I get this problem under control I cant do much....as for career....I dont really know what I want to be...I always thought a teacher but its not really my passion...I dont have a passion!! I love animals though. To be a vet assistant would be awesome but that means I need to go back and take bio and chem and other courses I need to even get in. So thats kind of where I'm at right now. It would be sweet to live in residence again and party but I guess health needs to be priority right now...even though sometimes I dont even want to get help....am I alone here?

May. 29th, 2009

Out of touch with reality

I feel like I am floating away...floating away deeper and deeper into the tunnel of darkness. What have I done. What have I caused. Im a walking pathetic being. I've hurt my mom, I've hurt my dad, I've hurt my sister. But...my mom is pathetic. She loves to control me. But at the same time doesnt care about me. Especially my eating disorder...she watches me fade away WTF! What kind of mom does that? Im so angry...and cant control my rage. I feel evil....and I dont like it. Wtf is wrong with me. I ate being depressed and sad and fucking fat and swearing all the time. I've gone so downhill. I need  help and not any cliche CRAP. With this disease Im hurting others in the process but how can I not when they hurt ME! Seriously....

God I dont even know what you think of me right now...but I dont want to know. I dont like myself....why did you create me....do I actually have a purpose because it doesnt seem like it right now. Im not good at anything, Im sad, Im fat, Im not smart....what else is there. Give me freaking answers! Im so annoyed of not knowing anything...Im mad to tell you the truth....I dont know If Im mad at you but Im just mad in general. Why cant I just be happy and LOVE people...people piss me off so much lately. People at my university....my ffamily....Im just bitter in general ...UGH I JUST WANT TO SCREAM GOD SERIOUSLY IM SO FUCKING PISSED JUST HELP ME

May. 28th, 2009

Summer school arggg

Last few days I've been sick. Also been in summer school. So the both combined have been difficult! I've been feeling a little dizy and out of it. And the worst part is I have been eating tons of food. The past two days were pretty bad. Its 12:50pm right now and I just had lunch (tuna subway sandwich, yogurt, coffee) and todays eating has been going good. Okay! well its time to go back to class....I'm just on my break right now and the classroom has super bad internet connection:( anyways...I feel so disorganized right now for some reason and a little not put together. I cant wait untill I go home and check some things i need to do off the list, it always makes me feel better but I obviously need to DO the things first lol.
<3

May. 25th, 2009

Bound to happen

 Slipped up....one I got a hold of the chips....the whole bag was gone....so I had to purge....I guess with all the stress I didnt know how to handle it. But I cant let it consume my thoughts right now...I need to work on this presentation, and thats the main focus. 
Dang....

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